la Dotte et le Mariage

Dowry
This month I attended the dowry ceremony and wedding of a Rwandan colleague, Lydia Mitali. The purpose of the dowry is for the family of the groom to present gifts and other offerings, the greatest of which includes one or more cows, to the family of the bride. While these gifts are given to the family not exactly in “exchange” for the bride, the wedding is considered the end of the bride’s time as part of her birth family, and the start of her life with her new family: that of the groom and (eventually) her own. The dowry ceremony takes place on the property of the bride’s family, which for Lydia is located on the hillside of a rural village in the north, on the Rwanda-Uganda border. The set-up of the outdoor space included large decorated tents and folding chairs to accommodate the invited family and friends, many of whom (myself included) traveled hours by bus, bicycle or foot to attend. Neighboring villagers also attend the ceremony but sit or stand along the side as priority of chairs is given to invited guests.

The affair lasted several hours, and as it was in Kinyarwanda I can’t describe in full detail what took place. In essence, though, the ceremony is a kind of bartering of different gifts such as fruit, wine, fanta, and handcrafted baskets, followed by the “discovery” of the bride and the presentation of each bridal party. This happens in the form of a long conversation between the elder male members of each family, in which one elder (who is as a rule not the father of the bride or groom) acts as the spokesman for his respective family.

As it is a kind of dialogue, interrupted by various gestures of the prescribed participants (and in that way, almost theatrical), I found the ceremony much more interesting than most of the other lengthy Kinyarwanda speaking events I’ve witnessed since living in Rwanda. One part of the ceremony that I know I won’t forget was the discovery/recognition of the bride component, in which the family of the groom is presented with several female audience members and has to choose and testify that Lydia is in fact the most beautiful and worthy among them. First, a very old woman is brought up to the front, and presented by the bride’s family as if she were Lydia. The groom’s family must discuss and eventually refuse her. Next, a very young woman is brought to the front in a similar manner, which, wouldn’t you guess, happened to your truly! After a few formal greetings and snapped pictures, the elder spokesman handed me a microphone and asked me, “Witwande?” (What is your name?) Although I was nervous standing alone in front of so many watchful eyes, not understanding in the slightest why I was asked to come up, I proudly responded in my best Kinyarwanda, “Nitwa Kerry”

…followed by a thunderous round of laughter from anyone over the age of about 8!?! I smiled bashfully (now even more confused), re-shook the hands of the elders and was prompted to return to my seat. Shortly after, my friend Jackson told me that now everyone in the crowd was really enjoying themselves, having a grand time because of my response. He explained that whoever goes up there is supposed to respond “Nitwa Lydia,” pretenting to be the bride! To my own defense, they didn’t ask the old lady before me anything when she was presented! I was even more embarrassed learning this, but happy to see that in a small way I had added some spice to the afternoon. (As a post script, I told the story of what happened to a Rwandan friend later that week, and he consoled me with the fact that often at that point in the ceremony they will choose a very young girl, who - not knowing any better - also responds with her own name).


Wedding
The wedding this past weekend was a more familiar event, particularly since it was not my first in Rwanda. It began with a two-hour service in Lydia’s Presbyterian church in Kigali, in which she and her soon to be husband exchanged vows - - alongside another set of nuptials. This is common in Rwanda, and usually there will be between two and five (at Catholic churches, up to seven) couples getting married on the same day, in the same church, at the same ceremony, with no known relation to each other. (Not quite what I envision for my wedding some day, but customs are customs). Another difference in the ceremony was that once the couple has exchanged vows and is pronounced husband and wife, the groom slowly, meticulously rolls up his bride’s veil and the couple kisses each other on the cheek. This gesture may seem understated by American standards, but (witnessing it twice) I found it quite elegant.

In terms of attire, Rwandan brides wear the same type of elaborate white dress as is our custom at weddings in the West, while at the dowry ceremony, the bride wears a different colored dress of her choosing. Bridesmaids are color coordinated and wear similar style dresses as those common in western weddings, but they respect the custom of wearing a dress that is at least knee length. Female guests often wear a mushanana, the Rwandan patterned long skirt and sash combination as shown in the pictures below. Men also sport formal attire - usually black suits and ties - and the groomsmen color coordinate their ties to match the bridesmaids’ outfits.

The church service was followed by pictures at Kigali’s renowned Serena Hotel, and the reception in the function hall of another hotel on the other side of town. The set up of the reception is very different than that of an American wedding: instead of sitting around tables, people sit in rows of chairs facing a central stage area, where the bridal party and their families sit at ornately decorated tables. No meal is served, but soft drinks and beer is offered, and after the cutting of the cake, each guest is presented with a small piece. As the reception is comparatively minimal on food and drink costs, Rwandans will invite hundreds of people to the reception to celebrate the newlyweds.

Like the dowry ceremony, the reception is quite formulaic: it includes traditional Rwandan singing and Intore dancing by hired entertainers, presentations of the honored guests on stage, speeches by family members and friends, and the offering of gifts to the couple. Collectively among the American/Rwandan faculty of Maranyundo, we presented our dear friend Lydia gifts of house furniture along with a specially wrapped joke gift: a stack of her students’ notebooks and a red pen for grading. As she opened this gift, we informed the audience that even on her honeymoon, Lydia can’t leave her responsibilities as a teacher behind.

In all, it was a lovely day and a wonderful celebration of our dear friend’s new beginning.